


Drowning in Your Eyes

by Jamie_Allegro



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, klance, perhaps some minor shallura
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-09
Updated: 2018-10-17
Packaged: 2019-02-12 17:38:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 7,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12964821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jamie_Allegro/pseuds/Jamie_Allegro
Summary: On a mission that went wrong Lance dies. Thats what Keith thinks at first anyway.Lance is a prisoner, and he blindly trusts a guy he maybe shouldn't.After rescuing Lance, Keith finds that he want to know where Lance is all the time, because when Keith isn't near Lance he cant be sure he is alive, and every night he fails Lance again and again and then he's drowning.(Set between when they found Shiro and when Shiro took the Black Lion back)





	1. Just Breathe

Keith fell to his knees in front of the healing pod, his head bowed. He stayed that way for a moment. It kept playing in his head. He called out to him, screamed his name, reaching for him and then . . .

Slowly he lifted his head, his eyes slid across the five people in front of him, hoping beyond hope that there would be six of them.

“Lance . . .?” He said in broken near whisper. Pidge adjusted her glasses and looked down. Hunk squeezes his eyes closed. 

“I’m so sorry, it's not your f-” Alura was saying.

“Keith” Shiro’s steady voice came through. But Keith's head bowed again, silent tears running down his face. Shiro stared, he didn't know how to react, of all the times he had seen Keith cry, he had no idea how to help. As a child Keith cried when he was beyond angry. And Shiro wasn't around to see him in the times he thought Shiro was gone. Even the others had never seen such a raw display of emotion from him. Keith preferred to be alone when he was upset. 

Back in Keith's head he was falling, his mind was racing looking for some bit of solace or comfort, finding none he was falling, failing. He was hardly aware he was bent over on the ground, hot tears streaming down his face. 

 

When Hunk opened his eyes he didn't expect Keith to be crying, and it made him angry. Hunk was hardly ever angry, but Keith. He had a had a chance to save him and he failed. He wasn't allowed to cry, not allowed to grieve. Not when he could have stopped all this, not when this was his fault. He should have had Lance’s back. This should never have happened.  Hunk turned around leaving the room. The doors closed with a swoosh behind him. He stood in the empty hall for a moment and realized that he had no idea where to go. Then almost on autopilot he begins to walk to Lance’s room. 

 

“Keith” Shiro tried again, putting his hand on Keith's shoulder. Keith hunched his shoulder Shiro's touch. “There was nothing you could have done.”

“You weren't there” Keith’s voice comes out as a whisper, raw with pain. Shiro takes a step back, not knowing how to respond. Luckily Pidge does it for him.

“We didn’t have to be Keith, we know you would have saved him if you could have.”

  
  
  


Time has passed but Keith has not moved, everyone has left now, everyone but Pidge. Who sat down next to him a while ago. Her arms wrapped around her knees, and knees close to her chest. 

 

“I can’t be a leader Pidge,” Keith whispers “I couldn't even save Lance. If I can’t save one damn person, how am i supposed to lead us to save the universe? What the hell am I supposed to do know? What do I do without Lance? How . . . how am I supposed to keep going when I can’t even keep my head above the water.”

“You aren’t drowning Keith, We pulled you out remember.”

“I’m always drowning Pidge, it's only ever a matter of time.” 

Pidge wraps her arm around Keith's shoulder pulling them together, so they sit next to each other faces wet, heart’s broken, lost, nowhere to go, they sit, on the floor.

“You aren’t going to drown Keith. I won't let you.”

  
  
  


Lance wakes up in a panic, He sits up and begins to cough immediately. He leans over hacking up a lung, well no not really, but he throws up water, the same water he had watched helplessly as he and Keith fell and landed in  _ this water _ , the same water that had such a strong current that he was swept under and away from Keith.

 

_ “Lance! Backup, you are to close to the edge.”  Lance leaned forward looking through the eyepiece on his gun again. He was laying on his stomach, on the edge of a precipice  gun pointed way to the other side of the cavern. Between them and where the others would be coming in soon. The job was simple really, The others would lure all the guards in, then get behind the blast shield, Lance would then shoot the explosives that Pidge had discovered in the barrels in the cavern. Then there would be no more ground guard on the planet. The Paladins could grab the key to the old armory so the citizens of the planet could defend himself. Then Voltron could just take out the Galran attack ship, and the planet would be free. Sure enough the first half of the plan worked perfectly, the only thing they did not account for was how powerful the explosives were and how fragile the soil that made up the cliffs. The bit of cliff where Lance was lying crumpled and began to slide forward as the explosion shook the cavern.  _

_ “Lance!” Keith's arm flung out toward him but within second the piece of cliff Keith was standing on began to fall as well. The two boys were falling. They both knew that if they hit the embankment they would be dead, although from this height the water wouldn't be much better. Keith jumped off of his piece of falling cliff hitting Lance and knocking them both into a path that lead to water, not rock. It was that action that would save their lives. They hit the water, hard. The empack felt like diving onto cement. Lance was fairly certain his leg was broken. He kicked his non broken leg and swam to the surface.  _

_ “Lance!” Keith was already up, clinging for dear life to a rock in the middle of the raging river, he reached his arm for Lance but he was much to far away. Within micro-ticks Lance was pushed underwater again by the harsh current, he was pushed, pulled, tumbled, he didn't know where up or down was, he couldn't fight its strength. He knew he was being pulled downstream, away from Keith. The water filled his lungs and he slapped and punched, trying to find up. He momentarily resurfaced. He breathed in, barley closing his mouth before being pushed under again. Slowly, Lance began to lose consciousness. _


	2. Let Go

When Keith had told them he wouldn't be able to tell them the story, Hunk got mad, surprising everyone. 

“What do mean! You owe us an explanation Keith, you can’t not -” but Keith silently walked to the door, motioning for them to follow. They walked to the trading deck in silence, Keith then pulled out something they had used only once. Those things they put on their heads, so they could be physically connects and practice forming Voltron. The other Paladins  _ watched _ what happened as he showed them the memory. Starting from Keith telling Lance to get back.

_ Keith hit the water  _ hard.  _ His arm shattered on impact. The kicked to the surface quickly, grabbing onto a rock. Keith looked around in panic “Lance!” he called out “”Lance!” his eyes surveying the river. Then suddenly a splash, a gasp of air. Lance was ever so briefly in sight. He called to Lance reaching out his hand but he was to far. Lance was pulled under again, the current was too strong for him. For anyone. “Lance” Keith called out again, he was panicking now. Cold water slapped him hard in the face. The tide was strong and his arm was broken, his grip was failing. “Lance!” The water surged pushing under, but his hold on the rock was not broken. Once he got back above water he gasped for air “La. . !” Water slapped him down again, filling his lungs. He struggled to get back about, but every time he did he was pushed down again. He tried to climb the rock, but it was wet and he only had one arm. He kept trying to call for Lance but the water kept choking his lungs. Pure unadulterated panic swept through him like he was having a nightmare. No matter how hard he fought he couldn't stop being pushed under. It was inevitable eventually he would run out of energy, eventually he would drown. So instead of panicking, instead fighting, Keith let his frozen tired fingers stop clinging quite so tight. The water pushed his off the rock and into the current. He was pushed and pulled but his mind was at peace, this was inevitable really. Then just as he slipped into unconsciousness the maw of the Blue lion appeared, snatching him from the water. For a moment, Keith forgot Lance piloted Red and smiled. Lance survived the current. Typical. Then he sunk into unconsciousness.  _

 

The paladins sat in silence for a moment before slowly taking of the head gear. The panic, the fear, the despair. The amount in which these emotions were felt, it was to overwhelming. 

“Keith I’m so sorry.” It was Hunk that spoke, living through that, and still blaming yourself, Hunk couldn't imagine. And he was feeling increasingly guilty.  Keith didn't look up, he hadn't met anyone's eye since  he fell out of the healing pod. What happened to the Mission. 

Silence, then Allura, “We lost the planet to the Galra Warship.” Kaith just nodded his head then stood up and left. 

Everyone was a bit in shock. “He let go.” It was Pidge's voice, rather quit. Everyone else had been focusing on the parts of the memory about Lance, but when Pidge pointed out the piece of information. . . there was a silence for a second.

“He knew it was pointless to fight Pidge, and if it hadnt been for Allura, it would have been.”

Hunk felt so bad. He had been focusing on the fact that Keith was only with Lance so if they were attacked Keith could defend Lance and Lance could still make the shot. He was there for Lance’s protection and Lance still fell. He hadn't considered how it felt to be Keith right now.

  
  


Light years away from Hunks guilty conscience Lance was suddenly aware that there were chains on his arms. 


	3. Drowning again?

Keith was drowning, he had been ever since he hit the river, even when they pulled him out, even after he stumbled out of that healing pod, even after he lived through it all again, every second of every minute of every hour Keith was drowning and he didn't know how to stop.  _ Lance’s blue eyes. The water filled his lungs. The cracks in the cliff. Pushed under again. Lance disappearing into the river. His lungs burning full of water. His hands slipping. His head under again. Lances blues eye. Water in his lungs. Lance's eyes. Head pushed under. Lance's eyes. His hand slipping. Lance's eyes. He lets go.  _

 

Keith sits straight up in bed sweating, “Lance!” he gasps. There's a knocking on his door, that's what must have woken him. He is drenched in sweat, he pushes his hair out of face and walks to the door. Hunk is at the door. 

 

“Oh thank goodness you were awake”

“Actually I was asleep, but it's fine.”

“But. . . you are wearing your clothes?”

“I always wear my clothes to bed, you have to be ready, yah know?”

“Uhm sure, can I come in?”

“Sure.”

 

They walk into Keith's room.

“So?. . .”

Keith watches Hunk look around his room.

“It's the same as yours”

“Huh?”

“the room, it's the same as yours”

“Yeah. . . but it's empty”

“Pidge and Lance are always getting on me to personalize it, but it's just a room”

“Lance? He’s been in here?”

“Yeah” Keith frowns “We  _ are  _ friends, or I think we are. . . .Were”

“I'm sorry”

Keith looks up confused

“Why are you sorry Hunk? I’m the one who should be-- ”

“No, you shouldn't be, you did everything you could.” Hunk sighs

“Look Keith, it's just been us seven stuck together since this whole thing started and although we are together constantly and we know each other by proximity I've never actively tried to get to know you better or be your friend, and uhm, honestly I feel really bad about that, and uh, I feel like I should, I feel like  _ we all  _ should be there for each other, especially now. Look I just, I uhh, well, I just want to let you know i'm there for you, we all are, Pidge is really worried about you, like  _ really _ . And Shiro, he’s trying to be fine, or appear it but he is falling apart again. Look the point is we're a family, voltron that is, and, I’m, I just, I'm trying to, i don't really--”

 

“Hunk.”

“Yeah?”

 

“Thanks”

 

Hunk freezes, tears in Keith's eyes again. After a few seconds of weird silence Hunk gives in and pulls him into a hug. 

 

 

~Meanwhile~

(Madison is grappling with the fact that not ev’ry issue can be settled by committee)

 

Lance pulls at the chains, it's dark, too dark to see. 

“Ugh, would it hurt them to put a light here in here?”

“There is one.”

Lance jumped he had thought he was alone, then his brow furrowed. What had they said

“There's a light they turn on at night kid, but there is light streaming in from the window right now, kinda weird green light but still.”

“So why can't I . . .”

“Why can't you see? Problemy that cold water and the fall”

“How do you know about that.”

“I'm your guard kid”

“. . .oh. . . I thought. . .”

“that I was a prisoner, nah, special treatment for paladins of voltron, they want them to come for you, but uh, we got a problem.”

“What?”

“They aren't coming”

Pain

“They think you are dead”

oh.

“Kid, what's your name”

Lance didn't see an issue in this

“Lance, Lance Mclain.”

“Nice to meet you Lance, sorry a kid like you got mixed up in all this”

“Why would you care galra!?”

“We're Not heartless you know”

Silence

“Why do you do it?”

Lance is confused

“Do what fight?”

“I love my home planet, my family, the oceans, the grass, the place I grew up. I believe everybody has the right to be free, I believe in liberty, I grew up in a country that claimed to be based on that idea, was it perfect? Not by a long shot, it sucked in a lot of ways, in fact Earth sucks in a lot of ways, but everyone deserves to make there own mistakes not have to live in chains.”

“Shit kid, aren't you an idealist”

“And you? Why do you fight?”

“I love my own neck, never had a family to protect, well I mean I do, just don't know em, we are trained to fight from a real young age, it's all we know.”

“How old are you?”

“We are different species with different life spans and different measurement of time, I doubt it translates kid.”

“Aproximantely?”

“ Young adult, does it matter”

“Guess not.  . . . Am I going to die here?“

“Probably”

“Thanks”

“No problem kid”


	4. Alive

Twenty three days after Lance's “death” a video is broadcasted. Spoiler, it's Lance.

In the video Lance is chained to a wall, his eyes are a washed out blue instead of the blue that keeps Keith up at night.

A disembodied voice says “Lance sit up”

“Why?”

“Sit up” The voice is sharper

Lance frowns a bit and sits up into a proper.

After a few seconds of filming Lance the image swings around to a Galra.

“Looks like you forgot something Voltron” it's a different voice, the bastard has a smug grin on his face.

That's it, maybe thirty seconds broadcasted into space.

Suddenly Keith is soaring, and then he's falling again. Hunk and Pidge are screeching and hugging. Alura picks Shiro up in a hug, Curan hugs them both.

Keith has one hand on his knee bent over the other over his mouth.

“Keith?” It Hunk

“We left him behind, we just left” his voice is a whisper.

“Keith” Pide meets his eyes and smile. “Keith he’s alive. He is alive Keith” Keith begins to smile

“Alive.”

Pidge smiles reassuringly “Alive”

Keith envelops her in a hug and they are laughing. They laugh until tears are falling from keith's eyes rolling down his cheeks but his eyes are smiling.

“Oh shit,” he runs hand through his hair “we gotta make a plan, we gotta get him back”

Pidge still has one arm wrapped around him Hunk puts his hand on his shoulder, Shiro nods at him from across the room and smiles.

_Lances blue eyes. Alive. Lance's eyes. He's alive. Lance. Alive._


	5. Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ready to question the meaning of good and evil? To ask yourself f their are such things as heros? To try and figure out just how gay Keith is? Buckle up buttercup, this ride is as bumpy as the millennium falcon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy 2018, may it not suck as much as 2017 and may it be filled with gifts such as canon klance.

The rescue of Lance went about as well as you would expect. They _had_ a plan. However, as it always does, all hell broke loose. The plan didn't work, but through teamwork and ingenuity they worked it out and got Lance back.

Lance healed slowly. It seemed to Keith that he was in the healing pod for far to long. But the damage to his optical nerves needed time to heal. Keith hated waiting. He always had, always would. He spent all day and night by that pod, sitting on the floor, longing for Lance to wake up, to make sure he was okay, to see his eyes at their normal color. Keith slept on the floor. He didn't mean to, he just fell asleep there. At first his teammates tried to get him to leave but they soon gave up. Pidge or Shiro always made sure to bring him food. Sometimes Hunk sat with him. Hunk never said anything to him, he just sat. Sometime Coran would stand next to him and talk, but Keith had no idea what about, he couldn't seem to focus on anything else besides Lance.

  


                                                                                       ~Lance time babes~

The first thing Lance saw was the face of all of his friends. All of them, except Keith. Dread washed over him and he frowned slightly.

“What's wrong? Can you still not see? Do you need more time? Are you feeling alright? How are you feeling?”

“Pidge, slow down. What's wrong Lance?” Shiro's voice was even and calm as he spoke.

“Wheres Keith?”

Hunk snorted at that. “Look down”

On the floor in front of him was Keith sleeping frame.

“He’s been there the whole time,” Allura told him “I’ve never seen him like this.”

Lance bent over and poked Keith in the face. Keith reached up, rubbing at his eye and slowly cracking it open. Suddenly Keith's eyes widened and he sat up with a jerk.

“Lance!” And then something happened that took a moment for Lance to comprehend. Keith threw his arms around Lance and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Your okay.” Lance felt Keith breath into his ear. Lance laughed a bit.

“Yeah, I'm fine buddy.” Keith let go of him, leaning back his eyes swept over Lance as if to make sure he was all there.

“What,” Lance joked “were you worried?”

“Yes.” The frankness of Keiths answer surprised Lance

“Oh” Lance stood up and looked over at Hunk grinning.

“Hunk, my man!” Hunk enveloped him  in a hug. Everyone greeted him laughing it was everything Lance would expect, but somewhere in the back of his mind he was thinking about Keith.

 

At lunch, or the first meal they all ate together, time doesn't really matter in space, Lance suddenly remembered to ask a question.

“What happened to the Galra guard in my cell?” The query was greeted only with silence.

“What . . . what do you mean Lonce?” This was Allura, her brow had a delicate wrinkle and her voice was cautious and quiet.

“What happened to him?”

“He’s dead.” Pidge was never one to sugar coat things.

“Right.” Lance said, looking down at his food.

“Why are you asking? What are you asking about him Lance?”

“I dunno,” Lance played with his food-goo “he was pretty cool I guess.”

“He was a Galra!” Allura’s voice was not cautious anymore, it was highly indignant. Lances head snapped up at this. He spared a moment to glance over at Keith only to see him head bent, looking down.

“Yeah, but that's hardly his fault. It's not like he wanted to be there.”

“How would you know?!”

“We talked quite a bit actually. He was raised a child soldier and all that, never really had a choice, it was sort of a serve or die type of thing, yah know?”

“Lonce, you cant feel sorry for the Galra, they're the bad guys here”

“The Galra _Empire_.” Keith's voice was quiet, so quiet, and his head was still bowed.

“Excuse me? I didnt really hear you.” Alluras voice was far less biting, more gentle again, but her brows were once again knit.

“There's a difference,” said Keith picking up his head to meet her eye. “between _the Galra_ and the Galra _Empire_ ”

Allura and Keith held each other gaise as a tense silence overtook the table.

“He has a point,” everyone's eyes swung to Lance “we need to stop blindly hating everything purple and understand most of these people never really had a choice you know? Hate the government, errr, or Zarkon and maybe his generals but not the race, yah know? Its not their fault is it?”

Silence reigned at that table. Lance looked around at all his friends staring at him. Maybe he shouldn't have said that, maybe he should have kept that to himself. Then suddenly Lance saw the way Kaith was beaming at him, and that, that made it worth it.


	6. Suffocation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ever wanted a personal stalker? No? Well neither does Lance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to publish this on Valentines day but my bumbling boyfriend deleted it on accident when he closed the window this was on. I don't normally write it directly on here but I had a bout of inspiration. So sorry if the beginnings a bit rough, I did write it twice, and recreation is never as inspired.

Its not that Lance disliked Keith, its not that Lance disliked having Keith around, its just Lance wasn't one hundred percent into having a personal body guard . . . or stalker.

Keith hung out with Lance all the time these days, which honestly Lance didn't mind, he like the extra time with Keith, he liked seeing Keith interact and hang out with the other paladins. It was the times that Keith stood in the fringe, when he was just hovering in the same room. That was the start, then Lance started to notice that when he was alone in his room Keith would walk up and down the halls periodically, sometimes pausing by his door.

Keith had taken to watching Lance while he trained from the observation deck, to deal with this issue Lance started to ask Keith to train with him every time he trained instead of having to put up with what Lance called "the creepy factor".

Lance had had enough when, one night, he happened to take off his earphones and heard feet scuffling in the hallway. Sure enough, every night feet shuffled down the hallway, paused by Lances door, occasionally they paced a bit, and then headed back down the hall, in the direction of Keith's room.

Lance had had it up to his eyeballs with the stalking. He didn't mind Keith, to be honest he was glad for the extra time they were spending together, but he was tired of the suffocating knowledge that he was constantly being monitored. He wasn't a child, he didn't deserve to be treated like one, and honestly, at this point, he was furious. He was ready to blow his top at Keith, so when he heard Keith again at door he was ready there to open it and start yelling.  He opened the door mouth already opening to berate Keith and stopped dead at the sight before him.

There was Keith, but he was drenched in sweat, his hair was drenched plastered done to his face, its obvious he had tried to push it away from his eyes in the middle. His eyes were red and rimmed, those eyes had widened in almost fear when Lance had opened the door, but he looked a bit relieved to.

"Why are you here?" When Lance had played that line in his head he had sounded much more caustic, or at least accusing, but looking at Keith now he couldn't find it in himself to be anything other then gentle with him. He looked so fragile, like he could shatter at any moment.

"I-I-I I just, um, I was, I-"

"Do you want to come in?" Lance blurted out, unable to stop himself. He felt antsy and uncomfortable, it wasn't supposed to go like this, he was supposed to be mad

Keith walked in slowly, glancing over his shoulder at the door every few seconds. Now that he had Lance's full attention, Keith looked like he would do anything to escape.

"Keith," Lances voice was gently but authoritative, "why have you been following me? I'm not a child, I'm not going to get myself abdicated from the kitchen. You have to trust me at least a little bit. "

"I do trust you!" Keith's answer was so fast that he surprised the both of them.

"So what is it then?"

"I just . . . need to. . . I, just need to. . . check." Lance opened his mouth ask what he meant but found himself cut off, Keith once again surprised him with his speed of speech.

"And I know its stupid, its so stupid, I _know_ you are alive, but I just, I just start to panic because, what if I've made it up Lance? What if I really did kill you that day on the cliff? I. Just. When I close my eyes your disappearing in the water and I just  _need_ to make sure that you really haven't. I know that thats just  _so stupid_  -"

"Keith, you . . . You. . ." Lance had no idea what to say. But his intervention had made Keith nervous, it was obvious Keith had never meant to tell Lance any of that, but in his Keith-y manor he had gotten all worked up and blurted it out.

"Keith, why are you covered in sweat?"

"Can't sleep," Keith mumbled, looking down "I keep having nightmares."

"About. . .?"

"You." His voice was hardly a whisper.

"Go shower."

"What?"

"Go shower and get all that sweat off yourself, you aren't sleeping in my room like that."

"I'm not. . . ? What?"

"Well you follow me everywhere and you can't sleep without freaking out so you might as well sleep here. I'll let you hang out with me most of the time, and I'll let you sleep in my room, but I'm going to need you to listen when I tell you to leave me alone. I'm suffocating here man," Lance couldn't understand why Keith flinched so much at the word suffocating. "I need some space."

Keith nodded, looking down as if he was a child being scolded.

"No. No no no, I'm not mad at you. I wanted to be, but I'm not, so you aren't allowed to be upset.

 

                                                                                                                                                            Keith's time

 

After using Lance's shower Keith had changed back into his clothes, however the moment he left the bathroom he was shooed back in by Lance with a pair of Lance's pajamas shoved into his hands. He felt both comfortable and uncomfortable in Lances clothes. He fidgeted with the hem before sighing and walking out into the room. Lance was already in bed, the light were off. He looked around, not sure where to go. 

"Just lay down on the bed would you?"

Keith sat stiffly on the bed for a moment before laying down stiffly. His back was to Lance. He always faced the room when he slept, normally with one hand under the pillow on his knife, he felt a bit uneasy without it. Sometime in the night a sleeping Lance wrapped his arms around his wast and rubbed his face into Keith's back. Keith stiffened even more if that was possible, then, slowly, he relaxed and began to drift to sleep.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is completely unedited because its late and I just wanted to get it up, so then if there are any huge glaring errors please leave a comment to let me know. Actually just let me know of any errors what so ever. Questions and comments are appreciated, as well as criticism.


	7. Current

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The stage is set folks. Time for some communication before the story begins.

 

 

Lance hadn't really anticipated being woken up in the middle of the night. The first thoughts in his mind were confused. W _hy was he holding on to someone? Why was that someone struggling?_ After a couple seconds Lance remembered about Keith, although that didn't explain to much of what was happening. In fact if anything Lance was more confused. His brain took a couple seconds but the confusion cleared up. Nightmares. Keith had nightmares. Lance hadn't really anticipated this to be honest, he hadn't thought it out to much, he just saw a solution and took it. 

Lance sat up leaned over he gently took Keith by the shoulders in attempt to stop his thrashing.

"Keith!" He was covered in sweat, he was clawing at his throat as if, as if he couldn't breathe.

"Lance!" Keith sat bolt upright, eyes wild, gasping, ragged breaths panted from him causing his chest to move jaggedly. 

Lances eyes darted over him, unsure, his hands hovering near Keith's shoulders.

Suddenly Keith's eyes focused on Lance. 

"Lance," he managed to gulp out. He reached out placing his hands on either side of Lance's face leaning forward until there noses were nearly touching. "Blue." It was a whisper.

"What?"

"You have the bluest eyes."

"Keith. . ."

"I killed you." Keith had turned his head downward now casting his eyes in the same direction, his voice had come out hoarse now, back to a whisper. His hands slid from Lances face into his lap. Folding down into himself as if in shame, or maybe despair, or pain. 

Lance reached forward, pulling Keith into a hug. 

"No you didn't buddy, I'm right here. I'm right here Keith, I'm right here."

 

Keith apologized profusely the next morning. That didn't stop it from happening again though. It wasn't always the same, but it was always the nightmares, always the fear in his eyes. The days were easier. Keith was making a huge effort to not bother Lance all the time. To give him space.

It was killing Keith actually, but what Lance didn't know didn't hurt him. Keith hated it to be honest. If he hadn't already done enough. He had killed Lance that day. Then he had abandoned him. Now he was nothing but a burden on him. Keith hated to be dependent on people, and he wasn't terribly fond with being attached to people, but he had come to terms with his attachment to Lance a long time ago. He had also come to terms with the fact nothing would ever come from it, but it made this whole thing so much harder. 

 

"Okay talk to me."

"Huh?"

"Keith we have been training together ever since I got back. I just watched you get flung across the room three times, which never happens, even once, and you weren't even fazed. Whats happening buddy?"

"I guess I'm just a bit off today."

Lances eyed him.

"Come'ere. Sit down."

"On the floor?"

Lance rolled his eyes then sat down on the floor crossing his legs. 

Keith shrugged and sat down facing Lance.

"Okay, so sometimes at night you talk about how my eyes are blue before you start apologizing or whatever. Explain please."

"Sometimes I dream about your eyes, it was worse when you were dead."

"Okay, first of all I was never dead so lets not say it like that. Second, thats pretty gay dude. "

Keith shrugged.

"Its not like that. You know how when we were in the river the current was so strong that you could fight like hell but you could only get above the surface for half a second?"

Lanced nodded and swallowed thickly. 

"Yeah"

"Its kinda like that. Where I was fighting to get to the surface for a second, but instead of seeing that rock, it was your eyes and there was a second of calm before getting pushed back under again. 'Cause I mean when you were. . . when I thought you were dead, the idea that you could be alive above that water was like being able to breathe, and coming to terms with you being dead was like letting go of the rock and just letting the current take hold. It was like giving up, and I didn't want to do that, not in the dreams, so instead of letting go I kept fighting, just to get above the surface. Just for a second."

Keith sounded so calm now, like he wasn't talking about the things that caused him to scream at night, to claw at his own throat. Lance didn't know how to respond. Normally when when Keith was upset he would just pull him into a hug these days, but now, Keith didn't seem upset, just, matter of fact.

 

                                                                                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"I don't get it Hunk. He keeps saying he killed me. Another one is 'when you were dead', like . . . like he killed me and I came back to life. And everything is a metaphor for drowning. Also he has like, an obsession with my eyes, also with making sure I'm breathing. Like sometimes he just puts his head on my chest at night like he's looking for a heartbeat."

"Dude he was a mess when we thought you were dead. He barely moved at all, he was convinced it was his own fault. After we discovered you were alive, I mean he was overjoyed but also absolutely shattered that we had, that _he_ had left you there. After we got you back, he just sat there in front of your pod the whole time. He didn't eat, he slept there, not on purpose, he just eventually passed out of exhaustion. Ever since we pulled him out of that water man, I think he lost part of himself in that current."

Lance winced at that comment.

"Sorry man."

"Actually Hunk, he said something the other day about letting go. Did he, I don't know, willingly give up and decide to, I don't know, say, drown or something?"

"Uhhm, when we thought you were dead. I was pretty angry, I needed to know what happened, but Keith, he could barely talk, but he thought we deserved to know what happened so he showed us using those mind-meldy things. . ."

"And?"

"His arm was broken man. You were gone. He didn't know we were coming. The current would have pulled him all the way under eventually. I was just easier to let go, to go down without the panic and fear."

"So he did let go."

"If Allura hadn't show up there would have been no point in holding."

"Hunk, he let go, he gave up. Thats not something that should go ignored."

"Dude, neither are these nightmares, or his panic attacks when you aren't there, but what are we going to do about it? The universe needs us Lance. We cant put that on pause. As much as we might need it, as much as Keith needs help we don't really have the luxury of being okay. We just have to keep moving forward, and hope that when this is all over we are still in one piece and we can focus on ourselves then. Until then the universe needs us Lance. Somethings have to be let go that shouldn't be let go. I mean, Shiro has PTSD. Keith is screwed up in more ways then I can count. Allura and Coran had their whole species wiped out, their families killed and were removed from their home by thousands of years. Pidge lost her family to the Galra. You nearly died and were a Galra prisoner. And I, I have to deal with you all the time, the worst trauma of all."

It felt good to laugh at Hunks joke. To lighten up a bit. Their chit chat stayed light after that, laughing, joking, bumping each other and smiling. It was good they could still have fun. Lance was so tired of being afraid, or sad, or miserable. Why could there never be a simple happily ever after?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anything bothering you? Please let me know. I have horrendous spelling and no editors. Also if there is any bit of story bugging you let me know. I'm trying to write a good story, any criticism is helpful.


	8. Shout

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Brief chapter, not necessary to read for plot purposes, I just feel guilty about being so busy rn. Enjoy. . .if you want.

 

Hunk was right about one thing for sure, some thing were let go that shouldn't have been let go.

Back on earth Keith (and the others) would all be therapy and perhaps even medicated, but they weren't on earth. They weren't on earth so they just let things slide, let things go. Back when Shiro went on missions no one addressed when he had bought of PTSD. No one ever addressed Allura and Coran time displacement or the inconsolable grief they both must be holding. Lance never received more then medical treatment for his time in a prison. Pidge at least talked about her family. Hunk, upon entering space had been a nervous wreck, but he had overcome a lot of that and was one of the more reliably stable members of the team. However, all these problems cannot exist and one to still expect something to not go wrong in a stressful situation, say. . . battle?

No, no one died, no one even got hurt. Keith just . . . froze up. After the battle they pulled him in. Lance marched onto his lion ready to exploded. 

 

"What was that!"

No responce

"Where were you out there man‽"

Nothing.

The other Paladins were behind Lance. They were all pretty mad to be honest. He just sorta left them hanging out there.

Lance reached forward and turned Keith chair around so he was facing them. 

"Keith, come on man! What the hell was that?"

"Lance," Allura walked to the front of the group. "I'm not sure he's all there." she said ever so gently.

Lance looked down at Keiths face and for the first time noticed the vacant expression. 

Kneeling down in front of him Lance leaned forward, this time his tone was much gentler then before.

"Hey there buddy you all right."

Again nothing. 

"Lance, give him some space. He'll come out of it."

"Really thats the tactic? Do nothing‽"

"What are we supposed t do Lance? I don't know how to help him and for another matter neither do you‽" They were shouting at each other now.

"What, we don't know enough about how to help him so we might as well not try?"

"Lance, we don't even know what wrong with him! How do we even begin to deal with something we know nothing about‽"

"By trying!"


	9. Realization

"Lance!"  
Eyes wide, hand outstretched, drenched in sweet.  
Realization, breath coming out in panting, jagged breaths.  
Head dropping.  
"Sorry."

"Keith, its fine."

"No it's not, not really."  
Small voice, like a scared animal.  
"None of this is really fine."

Silence. Then:

"Yeah."


	10. Chapter 10

Lance already knew their situation was fucked up  _before_ Keith kissed him. 

But now Keith was on top of him straddling his waist. Their mouths crashing into each other. Keith moved down onto his neck.

"nngh!. . .keith! . . ." Painting

"fuCK!!. . . Keith. . . WaAIT!.'

Keith froze.

 

This hadn't been what Lance was expecting when Keith had said  _"Lance I need to be honest with you."_

_"Whats up man?"_

_"I, uhmmm. I need to come clean."_

_"Yeah, Keith you established that, about what."_

_"Its just I've been sleeping in your bed and I.. .  "_

_"You?"_

_"I-I-I I . . .I" He was growing more and more_ _frustrated._

_"You what!" Keiths agitation was pissing Lance off for some reason._

_"I . . .!" Keith stared at him so intensely Lance felt his grimace falter, Keith surged forward. Mouth on his, forceful, crashing into him._

_After only a second Lance's body took over, one hand behind Keiths neck, the other pulling him closer onto his lap. Lances mouth now working in time with Keiths._

_The boys toppled over onto the mattress._

 

 

"Keith this is so fucked up."

 

"I. . ." Keith looked lost, his eyes looked hurt, and then suddenly he was unreadable.

"I'm sorry, that was unprofessional." Kieth stood up and walked briskly from the room.

"Wait, Keith! I didn't . . ." Lance scrambled to his feet "I Didn't mean  _you,_ I just meant this. . . well not  _this_ this but like all of  _this_ in general like. . . "

At some point Lance realized he was yelling to an empty door. He wondered how much Keith heard. He wondered if it mattered. He sat on the edge of his bed his hed flopping into his hands.

 

"Well Fuck."


	11. What We Save.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry?

Keith went back to sleeping in his own room after that. He wasn’t okay, and he wasn’t doing any better, but Lance didn’t need to know that.

The missions he started doing with the Blade helped. Took his mind off things. But more and more he found he couldn’t connect with his team. That they were mad about something again. He hadn’t talked to Lance about what had happened since it happened. Neither one of them really wanted to open up that can of worms again. He knew they should talk it out, but he just couldn’t be the one to say anything. Thinking about Lance hurt. Keith still blamed himself for every hardship Lance had faced since that day at the cliff and the guilt wasn’t going anywhere.

It was a relief when Shiro was able to take his place. That Keith could step away and leave things that were well enough alone. He knew Lance had issues with their being one Paladin to many, so this was best for everyone really. They didn't need him, he was a burden anyway. At least in the blade he would be useful.

~~~~~~

When Keith said he was leaving Lance knew she should have done more. Should have said something, run after him. He should have at least solved whatever that had broken between them. But he didn’t say or do anything of the sort.

  
He missed Keith to be honest, he was angry to. Angry Keith was running away. Mostly Lance was angry at himself, but he wasn’t able to deal with that right now so he let himself believe the anger was directed at Keith.

Later after the battle that had brought Lotor into their group of allies, Matt told Lance what Keith had done. Lance knew he should have called Keith and talked to him, or tried to meet him and say something ask if he was alright in the very least. But he didn’t.

  
Lance did what they always did he let the pain rest. He continued on in silence, and tried not to think about it at night.

  
They had a job to do.

They had a universe to save, they couldn't afford to save themselves first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End

**Author's Note:**

> Ready for a bit of angst my friends? Because I sure am.


End file.
